How to date someone avoidant, part 2

Three years ago, I was heartbroken after (yet again) chasing someone avoidant who didn’t want to date me (but was going along for the ride because I tried so hard and made it so easy for him–more on that below). I was doing all the work in the relationship and it still wasn’t enough, and he broke up with me after I said “I love you” and scared his avoidant self too much. I googled “how to date someone avoidant” and was flummoxed when there weren’t really any results, so I wrote a blog post on the subject that’s my most-visited post ever. On one hand, that’s unfortunate, because that means other people are also chasing avoidant people (HUGS TO YOU), but I’m also glad I can shed a tiny bit of light on it, and if I can heal and grow and improve, so can you!

Continue reading “How to date someone avoidant, part 2”

How to channel your inner slutty witch

stripe leggings / boots / perfume / candle / bat leggings / tee / gloves

I’ve decided this fall’s theme is Slutty Witch Vibes. This, of course, is semi-ironic, as it is still quarantine [scowls at partying youths and maskless Republicans]. This is the first Halloween I’ve really decorated–I made a lil paper chain out of black, orange, and purple magazine pages, and cut some black bats out of construction paper and hot-glued on googly eyes. Freddy’s also had some $2.50 black netting I’ve festooned my living room lamps and doorway with. IT’S SPOOKY SEASON!

So let’s get to it. Here are my extremely un-expert tips for harnessing your inner slutty witch [seeing as I am not officially a witch. Please don’t get mad at me, real witches!!!]: (p.p.s. links are NOT affiliate links, because I’m not that fancy and I find them mildly annoying. just stuff I like)

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cute vs. sexy vs. flesh-eating

~ content warning: body tawk ~

For a long time, I tried to look cute.

Cute was safe. Cute was familiar. It communicated something about youth and innocence and not threatening the status quo. Kittens are cute, and everybody loves them!

For me, cute meant that twee Modcloth style. Little cardigans and vintage-inspired prints and funky necklaces.

Sexy was off-limits.

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Questions to weed out narcissists

Is there anything more frustrating than interacting with a narcissist?

I’ve worked with three white male narcissists in the past few years, which has led to a LOT of googling about how to deal with them. (See: the gray rock tactic.)

Turns out, some common narcissist traits are refusal to admit they’re wrong, constantly blaming others, little compassion for others, little respect for boundaries, “nice” deeds done to make them look good, and taking credit for others’ work.

Based on those traits, I came up with some questions I hope to use in the future to reveal if someone has a lot of narcissistic traits:

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fashion distraction

“What’s out of fashion now is the schedule of the entire system: the shows, the showrooms, the orders.”

Anthony Vaccarello, creative director at Saint Laurent

runway pics via NYT; collages by moi

It’s probably frivolous to even be thinking about fashion right now, but for me, it’s been a welcome distraction from the depressing-as-fuck state of the world: friends losing their jobs, (more) racially motivated murders by police (and others), America’s worst president (enabled by a chickenshit social media platform), and an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.

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out of the depths

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

(i don’t think pain always leads to beauty, or that “beautiful” is quite the right word, but i liked this)

Why people choose chaos over love

It is harder for many people to allow love to pierce their heart than to have chaotic, painful relationships…When I was an adolescent, a very dear young man named Eddie pursued me. I liked him, I enjoyed being with him, and one day I just froze up and couldn’t talk to him. Many years later I came to understand that I feared his love would penetrate my heart and open up a torrent of buried heartaches and pain. It was less threatening to date people who emotionally starved me.

from If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl