the only review of “bangerz” you need maybe hopefully

Miley Cyrus. Bangerz. Twerk. whew, now that the SEO is outta the way, LEZ DO THIS.

bangers

Wait, not those kinda bangers? UGH OK FINE

  1. miley-cyrus-bangerzAdore You
    Whatever, skip. Boring. Just get on to “We Can’t Stop.” TOO SLOW GO FASTER
  2. We Can’t Stop
    YEAAAH PARTY YOUNG 4EVER BLAH BLAH good song.
  3. SMS (Bangerz) feat. Britney Spears
    The best song on the album, despite inexplicable lines like “They ask me how I keep a man; I keep a BATTERY PACK.” And I swear my Britney bias is not interfering. This is a GOOD. SONG. Fuckin’ bangers and mash, man! So good! Struttin’ my stuff! Where Mike Will at?!
  4. 4×4
    EW GROSS MILEY WHAT THE FUCK. It’s like…a country ode to her car? Line-dance from hell. Although we all can relate to “hooked on donuts.” Why couldn’t she have written a song about DONUTS? SKIP SKIP SKIP
  5. My Darlin’
    Ew gross again. Skip it and listen to the original “Stand By Me.” What was wrong with it? Was it broken?! I DON’T THINK SO.
  6. Wrecking Ball
    Good. Approve. Play in your car and cry/sing along. Just try not to think of perv-cretin Terry Richardson (who directed the video). Whoops too late barfed.
  7. Love Money Party
    Meh whatever. We get it, Miley. You party all the time so it ain’t nothin’ but a party. I would change this to “Cats Donuts Naptime” if we’re going with our three favorite things.
  8. #GETITRIGHT
    Meh whatever again. Miley has been laying (LYING) in bed and wants to have sex, Liam. But where were you? Filming Hunger Games part 7? God. GET IT RIGHT.
  9. Drive
    HERE we go. Back to something remotely listenable. Think of it as an alternate title track for the Ryan Gosling movie that had WAY more killing/less driving than one expected. It’s not bad. Mostly boring, but a li’l bit o’ crunchy angst you can chew on.
  10. FU
    OH GOD SO GOOD. Why doesn’t this song come sooner on the album?! Loud, overdramatic, theatrical. Not sure why there’s weird texting talk in here (you can SAY “FU” without adding “SMH” and “LOL”). Remember when you sang “Wrecking Ball” in the car and sobbed? Um this is what you follow that up with. SOoooooo. Gooooood.
  11. Do My Thang
    Another good one shoved to the bottom after sucktastic songs. Seriously, who picked the song order? Anyway, Miley gets all Southern on y’all with lines like “Imma Southern belle. I told y’all once before, I get crazier than hell.” Somehow it works. TRY not to rap/sing along when she says “Stay in yo’ LANE, BITCH.”
  12. Maybe You’re Right
    Car-sing-sob trilogy song #3. Soaring/gut-wrenching FTW. Maybe you’re riiiiight, psycho ex-boyfriend! Maybe I was mistaken when I left you. Oh wait, nope.
  13. Someone Else
    Meh. Someone Else already SANG “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore,” and it was Ladyhawke, and she did it way better. (Oh yeah, and MADONNA.)

Deluxe tracks: “Rooting For My Baby” is meh/not bad, “On My Own” is a great gurl-empowerment anthem and shoulda replaced 4×4, and “Hands in the Air” is also solidly decent/almost great.

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