you I need, post-breakup. Don your pajamas, close the curtains, and GIT READY 2 WALLOW with the help of…
Clarissa Explains It All
Streaming on Hulu and oddly calming. Remember when life was simple and all your problems were resolved by dinnertime? AND MORE IMPORTANTLY everyone wore floral dresses over polka-dot leggings and neon sideways baseball caps? Inspires fashion experimentation and harebrained schemes designed to torment nonexistent little brother! Plus the theme song is just barely on the “cheesy and endearing” side of annoying. YAY ’90s. (Possible substitutions: Hannah Montana or Lizzy McGuire, although those are untested by our researchers. Proceed with caution.)
Postmates (or Seamless or whatever food delivery)
For sustenance. Do not get addicted. Optional: listening to “All By Myself,” Bridget Jones-style, while you creepily track your delivery person’s progress on the app before meeting them in the driveway wearing your slippers.
They don’t have to be fancy. Buy cheap ones at the grocery store. Put them in a vase. Bam, someone loves you! STILL COUNTS IF IT’S YOU.
An art project
To do while you binge-watch Clarissa Explains It All. Recommended: decoupaging random wooden furniture or making a rag rug out of old sheets.
For personal reinvention. Recommended: Cupcake Pink.
Obvious grocery necessities
Wine, kleenex, gummi worms, chips.
Your trashiest, most guilt-inducing comfort read (Mine is Christian romance novels. As Trina asked, “So it’s after they get married?” No, there is no sex AT ALL. It’s just emotional porn!) slash viewing material. I am currently on an Olson twins movie kick and, upon discovering you can get FOUR of their critically acclaimed films together on DVD for a mere $10, have no intention of slowing down.
Intuitively knows when to hop on your lap and start purring comfortingly. Never gets tired of hearing about your breakup. Good for reminders that you Are Not Alone in the World before you’ve mustered the strength to resume usual routines of hygiene and socialization.
With the help of this survival kit, someday you will be ready to bathe again and emerge from your home fully dressed and ready to face the world. ❤