Yesterday I was explaining to Awesome Therapist that I had literally spent an hour perusing scarves online.* Flattering color + no polyester or yucky synthetics + not $200 = a meaty dig through the internet’s giant scarf pile. I’m tired of haphazardly buying things because I’m stressed or they’re on sale. No more impulse shopping for things that end up at Goodwill. I wanna buy something I love & expect to last a long time–embracing a less disposable mindset, if ya will.
Then I realized à la Cher that if I’m THAT picky about a dang scarf, I should be just as selective about more important shit: relationships, friendships, and jobs.
Because tbh, the opposite mindset has gotten me in a lot of trouble.
During years of low self-esteem (NOT ANYMORE, SUCKAZZ)(ahem), I happily lapped up any male attention, low-paying job, and psycho who wanted to befriend me, all with huge Bambi eyes of disbelief like my gurr TSwift accepting her 85th award (except in this case I did NOT know how awesome I was). I was delighted by the Table Scraps o’ Lyfe.
As a result, I struggled by on an inadequate salary, dated people with an alarming number of red flags (“I’m in the process of getting a divorce because I scared my wife by punching things and oh also I’m weaning myself off my antidepressants” oh, 23-year-old Holly–RUN!), and had to break off several toxic friendships. Stressful, energy-sucking stuff.
In general, I value being grateful and appreciating little things and not being entitled. I’m all for Seizing Opportunities and carping the diem and taking advantage of lucky breaks. But what a difference a little self-esteem and healthy self-confidence makes!
For the first time after a successful job interview, I told a prospective employer I wasn’t interested in them. (Gasp!) I’ve started asking myself if I want to see someone again after a date, rather than “OMG do they like me?! In which case I definitely like them!” And now I’m looking for specific things in friends (like honesty, vulnerability, and not making me feel bad about myself) instead of simply shared interests.
I’d like to say HOLY SHIT my life has changed and it’s way better! But all of this is very recent. It’s too soon to tell. Unlike buying a scarf (I’m leaning toward the leopard-print one), it’ll take awhile. But hey, that’s part of the new philosophy, right? Patience. I’m willing to wait. ❤
*Let’s be real: I should rename this site Things I Learned in Therapy (because that’s where my fave Lyfe Lessons™ come from).