breakup town: how to date someone avoidant

tl;dr You can’t.

They won’t let you.

You’ll try to get close & it’ll feel like banging your head against a wall.

This reinforces your beliefs of inadequacy. THOSE ARE A LIE. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST AS YOU ARE.

RUN.


A week ago, before my boyfriend broke up with me, I googled “how to date someone avoidant.” To my (sadly hilarious in retrospect) befuddlement, there weren’t any useful posts about it, only posts like “How to avoid dating someone avoidant” or “How to spot an avoidant person and run the other way.” How strange! my pre-breakup brain thought.

And then he dumped me.

So I wanted to write something for the other anxiously attached folks out there whose avoidant partners haven’t pushed them away yet. IT’S COMING. It’s only a matter of time. You can’t change them; they’re only going to hurt you. Not to sound all apocalyptic, but get out now! Save yourself!

Early on, my ex assured me he was emotionally secure, that the thing he wanted most in life was emotional intimacy, that he longed for (and was ready for) the closeness he never had during 15 years with his (avoidant!) ex-wife.

But when it came down to it–when I got close–he chose avoidance and being alone rather than working through his shit. OUCH.

Side question: Does anyone ever really change? I’d like to think so, or at least that I’m the exception to the rule–I’ve been working on grief, anxiety, depression, codependency, and emotional attachment for years. (I’m also very humble.) But it seems to me that it’s pretty hard to change past patterns and habits of unhealthy behavior UNLESS YOU’RE READY & WILLING TO WORK HARD AT IT. No one said it would be easy. But would it be worth it? I thought so. (Still do.)

It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me. He did. Avoidant people can be caring and affectionate and make love and cuddle for hours. They can agree to be exclusive, go on a weekend getaway with you, even introduce you to their friends and family. They give great pseudo-relationship for short periods of time (usually 3 months max). TheyΒ think they want love–after all, (almost) nobody wants to end up alone.

But if you spook them one too many times, if you get too close emotionally or make them too vulnerable and want to hang out in their heart, they run. They run and they don’t look back.

And maybe someday you join the ranks of their exes whom they extol and praise to their NEW unlucky partner–the poor sucker who will never be good enough. The poor sap thinks, “I’ll be the one to scale his walls in a sort of weird reverse-Rapunzel! My love and affection will heal him!” Yikes. I cringe to even type it. That’s the codependent brain in a nutshell: Rescue! Smother! Control! FEAR! Enough backrubs and they can NEVER leave me. (Antidote: THIS.)

If I sound bitter, it’s because I’m sick of this unhealthy pattern playing out in my life. I thought I’d finally broken out of it and found someone emotionally secure. Now I know to judge by actions, not words, and to get my butt to Codependents Anon more often.

It hurts in a major way. And unfortunately my therapist/self-help bookz/meditation app all say I have to FEEL MY FEELINGZ rather than smother them in nacho cheese and brain-numbing sitcoms. Don’t they realize feeling your feelings seriously sucks sometimes? It’s the worst! My only consolation is that feelings pass. I won’t always feel this way. And maybe, just maybe, if I let myself feel shitty/sad/lonely/abandoned now, it’ll help me heal and get back to kicking ass sooner. (It helps that I have amazing friends. <3)

These Louise Hay affirmations are my heart-salve:

  • Self-compassion nurtures and sustains me constantly.
  • The one person I am with forever is me. I am my own best friend.
  • I cannot change other people. I accept them the way they are.
  • I accept only healthy relationships. I deserve to be treated well.
  • I willingly release any need for struggle or suffering. I deserve all that is good.
  • I am willing to let go of what is no longer necessary in my life.
  • I offer compassion to myself and others. We are all doing the best we can with the understanding, knowledge, and awareness we have.
  • The greatest gift I can give myself is unconditional love.
  • Loving myself gives me the extra energy to work through any problem more quickly. My life is a labor of love.
  • Love happens! I release the desperate need for love and allow it to find me in the perfect time and space.
  • I do not have to earn love. I am lovable because I exist.

Ahh. It sounds so dumb and cliche…but I’m feeling a li’l better already. Thanks for listening, internet ❀

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5 thoughts on “breakup town: how to date someone avoidant

  1. Zach Alexander

    I’m so sorry you went through this. ❀

    I think you're great and you deserve all of the best things in life! I don't really know what's up with you or what happened but my hunch is that you don't need to fix anything (like going to Co. Anon), not that it's not usually a good idea to work on oneself. Sometimes blame isn't really a two way street, and it's just your ex who was shitty, not you.

    I think I know the type and have been burned more than once. My friend April recently wrote a semi-viral post about "avoidant subtexty NorCal bullshit" in the poly dating scene (which I am sooo over) and it was pretty cathartic for lots of people who have been suffering at the absent hands of bozos for years.

    Lately I am binge-watching the old Twin Peaks so I can see it for the first time, and catch up enough to see the new ones. I had seen a few episodes of S01 before and loved it at the time — but this time, it almost hurts too much. Every dysfunctional relationship in that town has parallels in my life or the lives of people I know. And I’m tired of it.

    And I agree that so much depends on judging people by their actions, not words. My most recent ex, who I am currently still pretty heartbroken about, wasn’t avoidant so much as… oh god I don’t want to get into it, but suffice it to say that their words have turned out to mean less than nothing. And I have to partly blame myself because the behavioral warning signs were there from the start >_<

    I appreciated the affirmations at the end and I don't think they're cheesy πŸ™‚ #SelfCompassionRulesEverythingAroundMe

    LMK if you want to catch up sometime – I'm free most days for awhile starting Thursday.

    Be well and love yourself –

    Zach

    PS – here is a mini mixtape from my breakup playlist:

    https://open.spotify.com/track/51HiIbv8gO0HvwpmAxXAFe https://open.spotify.com/track/1fB8PI8BiaK3EXUydg4Rwp https://open.spotify.com/track/5pKVh2W9oZkfRVmzf4UeYD https://open.spotify.com/track/41X9To0bQ4fpoSRri4NHiI https://open.spotify.com/track/61k4Yh8if662RKnRfLrelO https://open.spotify.com/track/4t0UsYzmmmZRMTWn77jiGF

    >

    1. Holly

      Thanks, Zach!!!!!!!!!! This means a lot! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with heartbreak too. Self-compassion for the win. I’d love to read April’s post but I can’t find it by googling–link me? And YAY for breakup songs! Sending warmth & good vibez your way ❀

      1. Zach

        Lol I received this post by email and replied by email, thinking it would go to your inbox instead of WordPress… it also seems to have stripped out the links. I’ll email you manually πŸ™‚

  2. Kelly Hinkle

    ❀ Obviously Truthsleuths.com needs to develop a set of slick, seemingly benign first date questions to expose these avoidants. TWO WEEKS. TWO WEEKS. Want to label envelopes tomorrow for meditative comfort? πŸ˜‰ Bikini Kill on repeat. xo xo

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