How to channel your inner slutty witch

stripe leggings / boots / perfume / candle / bat leggings / tee / gloves

I’ve decided this fall’s theme is Slutty Witch Vibes. This, of course, is semi-ironic, as it is still quarantine [scowls at partying youths and maskless Republicans]. This is the first Halloween I’ve really decorated–I made a lil paper chain out of black, orange, and purple magazine pages, and cut some black bats out of construction paper and hot-glued on googly eyes. Freddy’s also had some $2.50 black netting I’ve festooned my living room lamps and doorway with. IT’S SPOOKY SEASON!

So let’s get to it. Here are my extremely un-expert tips for harnessing your inner slutty witch [seeing as I am not officially a witch. Please don’t get mad at me, real witches!!!]: (p.p.s. links are NOT affiliate links, because I’m not that fancy and I find them mildly annoying. just stuff I like)

  • Hair. Morticia and Wednesday have stick-straight, pitch-black (one might even say RAVEN-hued) hair, but I recently dyed mine a nice bloody red. Neon green, purple, and silver (natural or not) would also be fetching. No shame in wigs, either. (This Etsy wig shop ain’t cheap, but they get amazing reviews.) Whatever makes you feel sinister!
  • Makeup. You can’t go wrong with black raccoon-style eyeliner. A purple cat-eye would also be marvelous. Dark lipstick is a maybe, as it’ll probably get hidden behind your mask and/or all over your mask, plus I like to snack all the time so lip color isn’t practical for my Nibbling Lifestyle™. Nibbling ON FLESH, of course. (Ew. Ha.) Stila has a good red lip stain, Beso.
  • Lace. Black lace is essential. I found a black lace shawl on clearance, or find a vintage or used one someplace like Poshmark (obsessed). Try a black lace cape! Or fingerless gloves, for an ’80s Madonna touch! Or lacy black fishnets! The world is your goth snarling oyster!
  • Boots. You need something you can stomp in. Doc Martens are classic but a bit heavy and can read as young/20s. I find my taste migrating toward li’l Victorian-inspired ankle boots–slightly more refined, but prioritizing comfort. A good stompy pair of black boots pairs just as easily with a swishy maxi skirt or Beetlejuice-inspired striped leggings (nonbinary-person-owned small biz!) or pastel goth bat leggings (Black-owned small biz!).
  • Attitude. THIS IS EVERYTHING. Break free of the shackles of prescribed femininity! Openly scowl and question and be skeptical! Hiss one moment and purr the next! It’s your chance to confuse, mystify, and bewilder! (Maybe even repulse, if you do it right.) As the legendary Daria once said, “I don’t like to smile unless I have a reason.” Let yourself not laugh at a cishet white guy’s unfunny joke. Set boundaries and keep them.
  • Supernatural. Play with tarot cards or a ouija board. Get some crystals. Read about the phases of the moon or your horoscope. Burn some sage or incense if you want. Kell gave me an awesome book called The Spirit Almanac about seasonal rituals. Fall and winter is the yin time of year (spring and summer are yang), so it’s all about stillness and introspection. Find what has meaning for you right now.
  • Self-care. You don’t have to actually whip up a potion (but that’s cool too, especially if your potion is a recipe for scones and you send me some). Brew your favorite tea, moisturize, take a long soak, stretch. Try Babyfoot. Dab a new perfume on your wrists. Buy yourself a new pillowcase. Chill out in a forest. Write a song or poem. Vote Trump out of office. Start supporting Black (and queer, and trans, and so forth) creators on Patreon. Take a nap.
  • Music. Obviously you can just listen to your bubbling cauldron, ribbiting toad, enchanted book pages that turn themselves, etc. OR you can turn on Autumn Cozy, the YouTube channel Jake got me addicted to. Did you want three hours of clopping horse hooves and rustling leaves? BOOKMARK IT. There’s also goth tunes, of course (like Siouxsie Sioux), or MC Hammer’s theme song for the Addams Family for some ’90s realness.
  • Sexiness. The pièce de résistance! I’m convinced sexiness is just being comfortable in your body and confident in who you are, like a self-possessed French woman. Know what you like and don’t. What you’ll tolerate and won’t. When to use a cutting word or just step away. Knowing yourself is a superpower! And knowing and loving your body defies everything that consumerism and advertising are trying to browbeat into us all. Wear something that hugs your body instead of hiding it, and embrace your curves and lumps (still working on this one). Yes, extravagant underwear is yummy, but you don’t need it to be sexy. You don’t need to buy or shave or wax or dye ANYthing to be sexy, but if you want to, go for it! Sexiness begins when you stop looking to other people for permission, approval, validation. The only person who can make you happy is you, and the only person whose job it is to like you is you. Sermon over. Buy a vibrator.

Well, I got a bit rambly on that last point, but I think you get it. Being a slutty witch can be as simple as watching The Addams Family, wearing some black, and winking at yourself in the mirror. It’s pretty simple. Or you can learn to cast spells and sleep with your hot neighbor. It’s really up to you. ✨🔮

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