Three years ago, I was heartbroken after (yet again) chasing someone avoidant who didn’t want to date me (but was going along for the ride because I tried so hard and made it so easy for him–more on that below). I was doing all the work in the relationship and it still wasn’t enough, and he broke up with me after I said “I love you” and scared his avoidant self too much. I googled “how to date someone avoidant” and was flummoxed when there weren’t really any results, so I wrote a blog post on the subject that’s my most-visited post ever. On one hand, that’s unfortunate, because that means other people are also chasing avoidant people (HUGS TO YOU), but I’m also glad I can shed a tiny bit of light on it, and if I can heal and grow and improve, so can you!
Update: This is my most-read blog post, so I wrote a follow-up. Big hugs if you’re struggling with trying to get an avoidant to love you. You deserve better! ❤
tl;dr You can’t.
They won’t let you.
You’ll try to get close & it’ll feel like banging your head against a wall.
This reinforces your beliefs of inadequacy. THOSE ARE A LIE. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH JUST AS YOU ARE.
I love Pitch Perfect. It has plenty of problems with race. But it also has a cast full of talented women, a female writer, and a female producer. And Beca (Anna Kendrick), its main character, has a really refreshing take on relationships.
Let’s back up. Have you read the book Attached (subtitle: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — And Keep — Love)? Kelly leant it to me a while back and it’s no exaggeration that it changed my life. Basically, the book’s authors use attachment theory to trace how childhood experiences with your parents (did they give you enough love/attention?) shape your adult dating life. To sum it up, which of these three examples from U of Illinois is closest to how you act in relationships?
- I get a bit uncomfortable being close to others; it’s hard to trust them completely or allow myself to depend on them. I feel nervous when anyone gets too close.
- It’s fairly easy for me to get close to others, and I’m comfortable when we depend on each other. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.
- Love interests are reluctant to get as close as I’d like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.